“Idhar aa! Give it to me.”
“Arrey bhai! What is wrong with you? Give it to me!”
“For God’s sake, give it here!”
If you are wondering what this frivolous banter is about, let me clear your doubts. I am referring to two pot-bellied men, who’ve just gobbled up a platter of chicken tikka and chugged down two glasses of whiskey each. These two men are ‘fighting’ for a small piece of paper. That paper is the bill of the absurdly enormous amounts of food their respective families have eaten in some restaurant. By the look on the face of that waiter who is running between the two men, I can definitely tell that he spat in every dish that came out of the kitchen and onto their table. But, let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Let’s start where all family dinners start, at the varied and agonizing appetizers.
Allow me to deviate from the traditional opening line ‘A man walks into a bar..’ and convert it into ‘ 3 old men, 2 middle aged men, 4 women, 2 teenagers and 5 loud kids walk into an overcrowded restaurant’. I will now list steps that a family must follow to succeed in achieving the perfect, stereotypical family dinner.
Step #1: Ordering the food
After a number of gestures inviting the other members of the family to sit down first, the whole group will finally proceed to the Herculean task of ordering the food. The little children will yell incessantly and bang their cutlery on the table while the ladies order for them. The teenagers will be on their phones while the men will listen intently to the Specials of the alcoholic beverages. The ensuing conversation and corresponding thoughts will be as follows:
Man 1: “I’ve heard the mutton rolls are delicious!”
And the cheapest. Self-five, bro.
Man 2: “I don’t have much of an appetite for mutton but please, don’t hesitate to order it.” There is no way I am paying for the food that I don’t eat.
Lady 1: “Teenu, Meenu, Bittu! Should I order the noodles for you?” That’s a rhetorical question. I WILL order the noodles and I WILL shove it down your little throats if you don’t eat it.
Lady 2: “That’s a beautiful scarf, Kamini!” *chuckles inwardly* It takes away the attention from your humongous nose.
Step #2: Waiting for the food, and finally being served:
The kids are at their loudest and most infuriating during this time. All this while they were banging their spoons on the clothed table but by now, they’ll have made the astonishing discovery that striking their spoons against the plates is way more exciting. The teenagers will be on their phones and the adults will usually snack on the famed ‘Masala Papad’ and ‘Channa’ as they wait impatiently for their food to arrive. In this sexist cliché, the men will loudly discuss business and politics while the women will indulge in catty gossip.
This family will finally begin to annoy the restaurant staff when the food arrives. It would be okay if each family member denied or accepted certain food items onto their plates of their own free will. But, some adults will insist that certain people be given extra helpings of food, irrespective of whether they want it or not.
Waiter: “Veg Kebab, Medam?”
Girl: “No, tha..”
Uncle: “Yes, yes! Give her Veg Kebab!”
Girl: “But I don’t..”
Uncle: “Oh it’s delicious! You’ll love it! (to the waiter) Put, put!”
After this happens to each family member, the serving is successful and the waiter is successfully pissed off.
Step #3: The bill
After the food has been forced into mouths, glasses of water have tipped over, alcohol has been excessively consumed, the teenagers have been on their phones (in case I forgot to mention it) and food has been exaggeratedly praised, it’s time for the bill. And come on, everyone knows that the pretend-tussle over paying is just a ‘My bank balance is bigger than yours’ argument. Inwardly, they’re both thinking, ‘Please plead harder to pay the bill!’ ‘Why isn’t he forcing more? His family ate way more than mine! My son didn’t even touch the fries!’
After the bill is paid and a tip is given, the family finally heaves out of the restaurant, each one looking larger than when they entered. If your family follows these steps, you will have the perfect Family Dinner, complete with all the drama and expected clichés.
Although the world is constantly changing and unpredictable, there are two things one can predict after this dinner. The first is the sigh of relief that the restaurant staff give out once the family has left. The second, is the long line for the toilet the next morning.
I really hope the flushes don’t malfunction.
-AnishaB (I also have a personal blog. Feel free to check it out)
“Arrey bhai! What is wrong with you? Give it to me!”
“For God’s sake, give it here!”
If you are wondering what this frivolous banter is about, let me clear your doubts. I am referring to two pot-bellied men, who’ve just gobbled up a platter of chicken tikka and chugged down two glasses of whiskey each. These two men are ‘fighting’ for a small piece of paper. That paper is the bill of the absurdly enormous amounts of food their respective families have eaten in some restaurant. By the look on the face of that waiter who is running between the two men, I can definitely tell that he spat in every dish that came out of the kitchen and onto their table. But, let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Let’s start where all family dinners start, at the varied and agonizing appetizers.
Allow me to deviate from the traditional opening line ‘A man walks into a bar..’ and convert it into ‘ 3 old men, 2 middle aged men, 4 women, 2 teenagers and 5 loud kids walk into an overcrowded restaurant’. I will now list steps that a family must follow to succeed in achieving the perfect, stereotypical family dinner.
Step #1: Ordering the food
After a number of gestures inviting the other members of the family to sit down first, the whole group will finally proceed to the Herculean task of ordering the food. The little children will yell incessantly and bang their cutlery on the table while the ladies order for them. The teenagers will be on their phones while the men will listen intently to the Specials of the alcoholic beverages. The ensuing conversation and corresponding thoughts will be as follows:
Man 1: “I’ve heard the mutton rolls are delicious!”
And the cheapest. Self-five, bro.
Man 2: “I don’t have much of an appetite for mutton but please, don’t hesitate to order it.” There is no way I am paying for the food that I don’t eat.
Lady 1: “Teenu, Meenu, Bittu! Should I order the noodles for you?” That’s a rhetorical question. I WILL order the noodles and I WILL shove it down your little throats if you don’t eat it.
Lady 2: “That’s a beautiful scarf, Kamini!” *chuckles inwardly* It takes away the attention from your humongous nose.
Step #2: Waiting for the food, and finally being served:
The kids are at their loudest and most infuriating during this time. All this while they were banging their spoons on the clothed table but by now, they’ll have made the astonishing discovery that striking their spoons against the plates is way more exciting. The teenagers will be on their phones and the adults will usually snack on the famed ‘Masala Papad’ and ‘Channa’ as they wait impatiently for their food to arrive. In this sexist cliché, the men will loudly discuss business and politics while the women will indulge in catty gossip.
This family will finally begin to annoy the restaurant staff when the food arrives. It would be okay if each family member denied or accepted certain food items onto their plates of their own free will. But, some adults will insist that certain people be given extra helpings of food, irrespective of whether they want it or not.
Waiter: “Veg Kebab, Medam?”
Girl: “No, tha..”
Uncle: “Yes, yes! Give her Veg Kebab!”
Girl: “But I don’t..”
Uncle: “Oh it’s delicious! You’ll love it! (to the waiter) Put, put!”
After this happens to each family member, the serving is successful and the waiter is successfully pissed off.
Step #3: The bill
After the food has been forced into mouths, glasses of water have tipped over, alcohol has been excessively consumed, the teenagers have been on their phones (in case I forgot to mention it) and food has been exaggeratedly praised, it’s time for the bill. And come on, everyone knows that the pretend-tussle over paying is just a ‘My bank balance is bigger than yours’ argument. Inwardly, they’re both thinking, ‘Please plead harder to pay the bill!’ ‘Why isn’t he forcing more? His family ate way more than mine! My son didn’t even touch the fries!’
After the bill is paid and a tip is given, the family finally heaves out of the restaurant, each one looking larger than when they entered. If your family follows these steps, you will have the perfect Family Dinner, complete with all the drama and expected clichés.
Although the world is constantly changing and unpredictable, there are two things one can predict after this dinner. The first is the sigh of relief that the restaurant staff give out once the family has left. The second, is the long line for the toilet the next morning.
I really hope the flushes don’t malfunction.
-AnishaB (I also have a personal blog. Feel free to check it out)